3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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