just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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