Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
