I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
