Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
