u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
