he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
