remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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