tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i believe in u and ur pee
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
