Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
