i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
