Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
