Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
