Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
