i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
