you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
