Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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