hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize