Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
