Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
