I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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