I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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