When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
