the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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