I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize