I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
