I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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