I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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