what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize