I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
