My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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