Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He? As in you personified your dick?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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