did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
