my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
