im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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