At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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