I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
