when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He passed out mid-signature
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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