I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
