yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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