Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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