he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
