he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize