Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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