then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
