I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
