I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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