He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize