I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
