pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize