I think i sorta joined a cult last night
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
