your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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