please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
