can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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