the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
