im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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