If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
