Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
