hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
