I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Found the puke drawer
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
