oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
