Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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