Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
