Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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