It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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